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Cool Trans Essay

 Theology of Hope and Healing

From A Bisexual Transman with Depression and Anxiety

Introduction

There’s a questionnaire that I answer often. It’s called a safety plan. The full gist of this questionnaire is that it will be used in case I have suicidal ideations or express suicidal behavior. There are two questions that stunt my progress. “Why do you value your life?” and “what brings you hope?”. I don’t know. I’m discerning if I’m looking for a theology of hope or a theology of healing. Formed in the Presbyterian tradition the answers are easy. I have hope in the resurrection and the life ever after. I value my life because God, creator, father, beginner knitted me in my mother’s womb and knew me by name.

Fairly rehearsed. There’s something missing, a bridge from theology on paper to my lived experiences. My first quiz in Seminary was to rehearse John Calvin’s definition of faith which included the words “a firm and certain knowledge…both revealed to our minds and sealed upon our hearts…”. Where has that bridge gone? How do I go about finding it? Is it hope that I’m looking for or healing or just plain safety. I’m living through the side effects of incompatible medicine. But the plan is to start in Genesis. The beginning of the story is always a good start. Where we’ll go and what we’ll find out is as important as trying to understand. Because some days are easier than others.

In the beginning

The bible is largely a collection of books and letters that were inspired by God. In short, what is truly written by God and what is penned by humanity is largely debatable. But it makes for a good story. The following is not biblical criticism. The following is a hermeneutic of wonder. Of piecing together the validity and gaps of the text. I will be using a bit of my own translation from the original languages as well as heavy reliance on the New Revised Standard Version Updated Edition (NRSVUE). I’m not a bible literalist, but it might appear that way. There is a remarkable nature to the original syntax and word choice that profoundly creates meaning. It’s just mystical. Let’s start.

“In the beginning, when God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was formless and empty And darkness lay above the depths. And the spirit of God hovered over the face of the waters.”[1]

The first three words are the real starting point of everything. There’s a gentle balance between when God creates the heavens and the earth and God just existing. This first verse of the first book shows Christians something valuable between the self and the work of God. This opening did not set up a world where God answered a call. The first verse didn’t set up a world where many things existed. No-thing, nothing existed except for God. This is where the world of wonder comes into play.

Still in the first verse, the implications of the text to the comings and goings would insist that this moment in time God was up to nothing. Not doing. Not being father, son, and holy spirit in the world. Everything that is God could be thought of as equilibrium. Or everything that is God could be seen as potential energy. The spirit of God hovered over the face of the waters in the beginning. Nothing was good or evil or bad. The text does not sway one to say that God created the world out of nothing.

The NRSV disagrees with me on some finer points. The following is the first two verses of the NRSVUE:

“When God began to create the heavens and the earth, the earth was complete chaos, and darkness covered the face of the deep, while a wind from God swept over the face of the waters.”[2]

In this translation, we see the earth was complete chaos. That’s us. Complete chaos, not good not bad not evil. Similarly to my translation, formless and lawless at the same time. Not in equilibrium. Not in potential energy. Darkness covered the whole face of the earth, so in principle we couldn’t even distinguish ourselves from other forms or beings.

Hello darkness, my old friend.[3] It’ll feel like darkness carries a lot of sadness, oppression, and despair at times. These three things are paramount to the growth in symptoms of depression and anxiety. Without minimizing the hard feelings involved in self-discovery to knowing I’m trans, I usually find courage to overcome these feelings when I feel my faith firmly grasp onto God. As a Christian, it is the relationship with God that leads to self-discovery.

In both translations a related principle of God swept over the face of the waters of the Earth. The ending to the second verse is God in action. God’s no longer in potential energy but in movement and kinetic energy. God is God. Humans are humans. This moment is crucial as there is no other timeframe so delicate in the history of humanity between God and humans other than this moment.

Firmly and certainly there is a division of form and being between the God and us the human. The Bible is a text of learning who our creator is. Of learning who we are and whose we are. Of learning our position to do the work of God in this world. Finally, to glorify God and enjoy God forever.

Truly, by the 31st verse in Genesis chapter one we see that God saw that the creation of humanity was “very good”[4]. This is the moment where our ever-evolving relationship to God changes. We’re no longer a formless and lawless matter for creation. We are created in the goodness of God’s grace. Rejoice! We are good.

For some of us, however, even for me, even if I look deep down into the formulas of movement and the cells that link me to my consciousness. Deep down, perhaps too deep to the level of matter to be created. I am of the opinion that I’m not good. There are different cognitive distortions that explain why the doctrine of ‘total depravity’ exists.

Many genders of God

And now we jump from gap to gap. Genesis continues in the second chapter with a different viewpoint. God affirms all genders starting with the inclusivity of the words “Let us make”[5] humanity in “our image”[6]. A small variety of explanations exist for why the verse includes plural pronouns. A historical background would add the God, the tetragram, as a singular male figure and with a singular female figure on his side. It could be any number of female figures such as Asherah or Tiamat.[7] Depending on how far back the history in the Bible can be authenticated through archeological evidence.

However, there’s a problem that sneaks into the text. In Genesis 1:27 God created them in his image, “in the image of God he created them, male and female he created them.”[8] Verse 26 should influence the gender affirming creation of humanity. Tying the two gaps between a many gendered God and a many gendered humanity can be achieved. It’s the imago dei likeness that creates this bond between the God who is and the humanity who was created. The wonder of the text speaks clearly, gender is a spectrum.

The authors admit “it is not good for man to be alone.”[9] in the second chapter of Genesis. This is great news! Team work makes the dream work! God creates a different being to the man. Okay, not wholly apart from the man. God, again, creates gender. Yay God! Significantly enough, the term for helper is a masculine noun. A concern could be raised that Eve is a man. As God created Eve from the body of man. And perhaps that is why the term helper is masculine. Or usually a person that helps is usually a man. Or perhaps that a man is also a suitable companion for a man. (Further could be said about the nonbinary person or persons). For historical purposes of the author, Eve is a ciswoman and Adam is a cisman.

Who’s to blame criticism of Eve

Significantly enough Eve has speaking parts in Genesis 3. Even more significant, the serpent, deemed ‘crafty’ or more clever than all the animals, also has speaking parts. Or maybe it has speaking parts because the noun for snake is masculine. Regardless, the serpent promises Eve that she will have knowledge of good and evil[10] if she eats from the tree. Eve sees this fruit as good. Good, good? Yes, God created every plant and animal and called it good![11] With the caveat that humans were not to eat of this tree, this tree was still good.

This is the point in our narrative where I was taught that I wasn’t good for being female. I was always at fault for attracting men. I was always chided for not being the household maid, cook, and caregiver. I learned the lesson even though I was still a child. It’s the classic males are good and females are evil world view. I am convinced I’m not good, and now I’m convinced further that I’m evil because of my predecessor Eve. What kind of convincing argument would shape up the woman as not evil to think that a fruit would be good. Was it the serpent’s advertisement that she would be like God?[12]

The NRSVUE, as most Bibles, will mention that this is the moment of the first sin. The first sin was to be introduced into the world via the action of Eve. The first sin would banish us from the luscious infantile state of living in the garden of Eden. Never growing, never changing, and never knowing good or evil.

Again the relationship between humanity and God changes at this moment. For repetition purposes: God is God. Humanity is humanity. The line is drawn. God created us in their image. The likeness of God is already created in us. On the one hand, the argument can be made that God created sinners. On the other hand, one can push forth the idea that God created us sinless. The original sin thus becomes knowing the difference between Good and Evil. The relationship between God and humans has changed.

God the creator, is now God the chastiser. The Calvinistic doctrine of total depravity firmly believes that human nature is thoroughly corrupt and sinful as a result of 'the fall'. The three participants in this episode against God get their fair share of scolding which is a forever curse. Forever snakes, man, and woman can be at odds with God. Culturally speaking the guilt of one sin is enough to make things feel like humans will never be noncorrupt or nonsinful. But, that’s where the hope of the Risen Christ takes us forward.

But not quite yet. For the record neither man nor woman nor animal is born evil. We are born with the capacity to sin. Not born to be sinners. Ultimately, sin did not enter the world through the actions of one party.

Sin in this economy

Let us imagine that I have five physical cents to my name. Tangible, smells of money, five cents. If I had to pay up one cent per sin of omission, sin of commission, original sin…all I would have is my two cents. Hardly enough to boast, but with hope of the Risen Christ there’s like a buy-back program where sins of omission, and sins of commission are true sins if they are turning away from God. Humans are redeemable after all. In the eyes of God, we were created good. Following the banishment from Eden humanity becomes capable of guilting each other after sin. Because looking at the text literally, humans were capable of sinning already! God did not create sinners; God created humans with the capacity to sin.

Pushing the guilt-trip aside is as important as being true to human nature. Human nature is good. If God is God and humans are humans, then the transman has always been a man. If God’s creation was good from the very beginning. Then the journey of transitioning seems to be in the category of fighting against the cultural criticism of the documented bible. Remember, the story of us, we were formless and indistinguishable at the time of chaos. All of us existing and waiting to become human, all transformed into our own gender from chaos. The chaos was neither good nor evil. The chaos was neither good nor bad. It was.

Further, there is only one ‘forever sin’ that requires ‘forever redirection.’ That is the sin of turning away from God. Or missing the mark. Or disobeying God. Humans can adopt a sinful nature. Big things like not accepting others for the person they are. Walking away from the immigrant. Turning away the refugee. Diminishing the rights of the LGBTQIA+.

Sex is not bad

In context, our society has evolved from ancient times to proclaim that sex between two age-appropriate humans of the opposite sex is the only acceptable sex. All other sex is bad.[13] Not that different from olden times. There’s a recurring theme that sexual immorality and unnatural lust is drawn out[14] and yet a more direct line to sexual acts between men exists.[15] These two instances could be interpreted to oppose my bisexuality, however it affirms it.

The act of men having sexual acts with men is a huge twist of culture since the beginning of times. Some say that it was because there was no sanitation or prevention of disease between men. There could be a validity to that claim as sexual transmitted illnesses are real. They were real in ancient times as well. The 1980s AIDS epidemic is still fresh in our current society’s mind, and epidemics like this one are not new. Unprotected sex could be seen as unnatural because it can lead to unwanted sexually transmitted illnesses.

But let’s look at it more closely. In Genesis 19:1-29, we see the Sodom and Gomorrah story. The story takes a turning point in verse five where the civilians of Sodom come to where divine visitors are staying. The civilians ask for the visitors to be brought out “so that we may know them”[16] a way of saying to do a sexual ritual practice to greet them. Perhaps what this is really saying, is that sexual rituals for initiations or greetings are not natural in general public circumstances.[17] This could leave sexual acts between participating age-appropriate parties to be more of a close affair.

In practice, two of the Leviticus passages mentioning men “lying”[18] with men are a source of tense debate. These texts are dearer to some people who adhere to the ancient cultural understanding of this text. In a broader sense of the transformative Christian world, this practice could be seen as outdated. We do not follow all the laws in the Bible, but this law seems to have a hold on a lot of people. There isn’t much to do if Christians only follow two laws from Leviticus.

Yet, in the beginning, God created humans. And God created some of us on various placings of a gender spectrum. And God created some of us on various placings of the sexual spectrum. And fastforward to today where editing and retranslating the Bible is a real thing. The good news is that God’s love for us is good. God has deemed sex and sexuality good.

Human Hope

I know God created me. I pressed through some biblical texts for clarity. I can affirm my gender as male and my sexuality as bisexual with the aforementioned verses. And yet, there’s a popular song by Pink Floyd that could possibly explain how I feel at the moment. Numbness used to be my neuron’s go-to feeling for all the things.

As a child I didn’t know how to celebrate success. As an adult the world is moving too fast in a constant state of anxiety and fearfulness. I feel so behind. I’m locked away in a tower of my own making. I feel stuck. I make myself stuck. It feels like I’m standing in front of a big crowd with peering eyes that are expecting the right answer or I’ll go straight to jail. No exit! I feel alone.

It’s not good to be alone.[19]

At times it feels like I dug a hole and hid under a rock. And at first it was relief from triggers and stressors. Then it became a death sentence. It's like there’s no way out from under this rock and it’s hard to breathe. It’s hard to see this cave as more than shadows and memories.

There’s human hope in hoping for things or being hopeful for something. Is that the originator of hope? Am I lost in the wilderness looking for a sign of the wandering ending. A bird flying over receding waters for a branch? Can the grace of God bring light into this darkness?

My hope feels empty right now. It’s almost like my Presbyterian upbringing doesn’t allow me to fully want to experience my faith in all directions. But how can I experience my faith if I’m barely experiencing my life? If a shadow is but a shadow I irrationally see is it as a threat. If my treatment for depression and anxiety is not successful with medication, then maybe with a placebo. I can remind myself of the heart that keeps beating. I can remind myself of the incredible resources that provide my primary care, psychological care, and food assistance.

Human healing

I can assert that I’m a whole person. My transmasculinity is sacred. My romantic and sexual life is acceptable as it doesn’t turn away from God.

I am redeemed by the act of the resurrection. Christ died and rose again conquering sin and death. There is hope and healing in resting on the shoulders of what Jesus stands for. The hope is in the healing nature of Jesus. It’s in the life of Jesus. Rising from immigrant[20] to rising from the tomb.[21]

The healing that comes from waking up, moving out of bed, and going into the world with courage. These reminders help mend the soul. A healing heart is open to living in less symptoms of depression and anxiety.

Healing moves faith into action. Moves God around. Moves from potential energy to kinetic energy Moves us closer to the nature of goodness we were created in.

Footnotes

1 Genesis 1:1-2. Self translation.
2 Genesis 1:1-2. NRSVUE.
3 The Sound of Silence lyrics © Paul Simon Music, Crc Jianian Publishing
4 Genesis 1:31. NRSVUE.
5 Genesis 1:26. NRSVUE.
6 Genesis 1:26. NRSVUE.
7 Ancient semitic goddesses.
8 Genesis 1:27 NRSVUE.
9 Genesis 2:18. NRSVUE.
10 Genesis 3:1-5. NRSVUE.
11 Genesis 1: 11-12.
12 Genesis 1:5.
13 How does one say that it’s okay to have sex with your sexual toys without saying don’t have sex with dead things? And other unaliving sexual practices.
14 Romans 1:26-28, Jude 1:7. NRSVUE.
15 Leviticus 18:22, 20:13. NRSVUE.
16 Genesis 19:5. NRSVUE.
17 The kink world is a different world than greeting a stranger.
18 Leviticus 18:22, Leviticus 20:13. NRSVUE.
19 Genesis 2:18. NRSVUE.
20 Matthew 2:13 NRSVUE.
21 Mark 16:6 NRSVUE.

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