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  Theology of Hope and Healing From A Bisexual Transman with Depression and Anxiety Introduction There’s a questionnaire that I answer often. It’s called a safety plan. The full gist of this questionnaire is that it will be used in case I have suicidal ideations or express suicidal behavior. There are two questions that stunt my progress. “Why do you value your life?” and “what brings you hope?”. I don’t know. I’m discerning if I’m looking for a theology of hope or a theology of healing. Formed in the Presbyterian tradition the answers are easy. I have hope in the resurrection and the life ever after. I value my life because God, creator, father, beginner knitted me in my mother’s womb and knew me by name. Fairly rehearsed. There’s something missing, a bridge from theology on paper to my lived experiences. My first quiz in Seminary was to rehearse John Calvin’s definition of faith which included the words “a firm and certain knowledge…both revealed to our minds and sealed upon our ...

Remembering a Song

I strongly believe that every moment in life has a soundtrack. I’d often defined my life by song. An example being that “My Love Is Better,” by Annie defined the year I graduated college. The song is super upbeat and very poignant in behavior. Especially, since the artist’s love is better than the man’s current lover.

There were times when my theme song was “Incense & Peppermints,” by Strawberry Alarm Clock. Because, “who cares what games we choose / little to win, but nothing to lose.” Or train wreck rock like Motley Crue. A really special time included “Genius of Love,” by Tom Tom Club.

I’m having the time of my life at the moment. I’m a bit of a mess. A little bit of a controlled mess, though. Currently working on a platform for a career in publishing. I have a few songs that fit this time period. The first is “Rubber Glove Seduction,” by PTP. It’s an industrial track with everything a good Joy Division track would feature: synths, repeating vocals, and disorder.

Followed by an old time favorite. “Baiser Sur La Disco (Rubix Refix)” by Rubix. Short and sweet synth and vocal repetition. It’s upbeat as well. But this soundtrack isn’t complete. Reaching around for other tracks to add, I can’t help but bring in “Archie, Marry Me,” by Alvvays. I always add different lyrics to this song. First, there’s that killer line “You’ve expressed explicitly your contempt for matrimony.” I like to take that line and add “but you still married her.” It’s quite the depiction of some of my past relationships. They’ve left me absolutely bitter.

Maybe there’s just too much to feel at the moment. I could try tuning everything out with the “Harlem Shake,” by Baauer. Nothing like a throwback meme to really wedge consciousness into prime time. I’ll keep on keeping on and listening to music.

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